I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??