she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
