As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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