She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
