like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
my shit smells like andre
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
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