I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
