How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
