There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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