Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Randomize
