How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize
