he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
