mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
she told me i tasted like america
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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