i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
