I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
