I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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