So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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