i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
