I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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