I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
