you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
