im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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