Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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