Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
