Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize