ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
