He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
