I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
