I'm gonna have a badass scar
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
