My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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