sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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