Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Randomize
