I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You left your phone here
Wait...
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