you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
