Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
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Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
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Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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