You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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