I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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