I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
