I wish my penis had an off switch
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
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