he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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