me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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