You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
it's like heaven, but drunker
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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