you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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