she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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