im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
