I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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