I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
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