I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
zippers are such a cool invention
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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