So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
