mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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