You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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