So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
