my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
