there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
