Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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