party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You ruined the universe
Randomize
