So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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