Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
People in love make me want to vomit
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
