we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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