I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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