Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
