So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
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Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
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You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
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