Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
